Tuesday, August 28, 2007

the sun rose and with it a tiny, secret Santa Claus

Last week it was really cold and rainy which normally I like as it gives me the perfect excuse to lounge and be snuggly. I didn't get a snuggly feeling last week though- what I got was depressed.
Everything started looking really bleak and then we got ants in the bathroom, which I took personally. Then we got ants in the kitchen which, again, I took personally and worried that they could be the ants that were formally hanging out in the bathroom, now bringing poopy and pee-pee germs into the kitchen.
I just couldn't seem to shake all the crappy crap that was running through my head about how unlikeable I am and what an inferior mom I am turning out to be. Feeling down, I was also extra grumpy and wasn't taking it easy on the boys by any stretch of the imagination or really moving at all or eating anything that wasn't sugary...or popcorn. Surprisingly, none of that seemed to help.
The final straw happened yesterday when Keeler was semi-excluded from a playdate. He really didn't seem that busted up about it; I, on the other hand, broke down and wept...but, finally there was a silver lining that came shining around the cloud that was my shitful mood: I can always commit suicide if things don't start looking up. and that realization was totally radical. Really, I have the choice to be here or not.
Today was a much cheerier day. The clouds were totally puffy and there was a big ol' shiny moon. I mustered up the nerve to call a neighbor that I really like; she came over and we had a good time hanging out, laughing at the ridiculousness of everything while our kids did their kid things. I am reading every book that Anne Lamott ever wrote all at once and, of course, who can be sad in the face of that? AND I am going to see the Eagles play on Thursday, so I think I'd better stick around.