365 project: the usual

When I was little my nana always made me a special meal of things I liked: plain yogurt with wheat germ, rye toast, apples and peanut butter. I loved it so much that she made it for me all the time and that's how it started to be called "the usual".

365 project: blackout photo

We had a city-wide blackout and this picture was taken during it.

365 project: pretty dishes from mom

365 project: drawing with Fel

365 project: red zinger tea and steam

365 project: zooming home

365 project: kid art

365 project: beads in plastic bag

365 project: life is good

this is the tag from RB's birthday present.

365 project: crystals on the brain

365 project: upclose cute-ocity

This picture was taken at the park when we were shooting off Keeler's new rockets. He was sitting on my lap and I love the teeny bit of sunlight, wrinkles and freckles on his nose.

365 project: stink-eye

Here you see Krip giving me the extreme stink-eye just because my intuition was on the fritz.

365 project: Eliott's post-bath wrinkly raisin fingers.

365 project: pulled over

Keeler decided to dress up like a police officer today and thought the reason we got pulled over was so that the State trooper could compliment him. That was, unfortunately, not the reason.

365 project: something springy

365 project: moon shoes removal

This is The Big Easy taking off moon shoes at our friends' house. This was a part of a video I took. I was fooling around with it and learned that you can snapshot parts of the video. I like learning new things through this here 365 project.

365 project: my life is full of gorgeousness

I love love love this boy, too!

365 project: eerie sepia-ness

This is a picture of a picture of RB and me playing at Veteran's park years ago. The original was taken by the lovely Krip. In this one, you can see the eerie reflection of my humongous head as if I am spying on this young couple from the past.

365 project: lamp reflected in breakfast cereal milk

365 project: hat sideways

I love love love this boy!

365 project: crystals and a seashell in a box

365 project: dining room lamp

365 project: celery and shallots

365 project: some pencils

365 project: tough guy, chocolate mouth

Here is Eliott, now 4 and a half, with several new tattoos, looking fierce and menacing.

365 project: front door and wreath

365 project: my main squeeze

Words fail me.

365 project: Keeler's love note

When I got up today, Keeler had written this message for me on the wall.

365 project: Lucky Charms, best cereal in the Universe

It's what the cool kids eat...when they aren't naked lounging or group bathing.

365 project: wintry mix

The picture situation today was mixy and aggravating. I spent over an hour trying to get this one photo and it never worked out. I decided to go with this one because there is a lot happening in it and today was a day that had the feeling of a lot happening in it. Plus, it has our new friends, Laura and Evan in the background which is cool.

365 project: Keeler's Rild

Keeler built this LEGO structure and this photo, with the neat shadow window, felt like a glimpse into his incredible mind.

365 project: brotherly love

Today's photo decision was the hardest so far. I took a bunch of pictures of the kids after school and a lot of them were cool. I picked this one, finally, because I liked the shadows on their faces and also because I think this shows their personalities the best and that, deep down, they really love each udder.

project 365: breakfast, plate and fork

Today is a glorious day and I am in love with my life. I am having a great time with this photo project and everything looks beautiful and feels beautiful. Also, the sweetest thing happened: Eliott took over folding the laundry and said, "all for you, Mom." He is an angel from Heaven above and/or the red-headed, blue-eyed Barbarian Bodhidharma.

365 project: ooo, baby, it's a big ol' swirly world

This is a photo of the refrigerator magnet that I made to look like a swirly blue and green world. I really like it.

365 project: lilac bush at night

I am copycatting Krip and Marth and taking a picture a day for the next year. Here is my inaugural photo which is a picture of a branch of the lilac bush in our yard, just starting to get some buds on it, in the middle of the night. This blog is about to get more posting action than it will know what to do with.

These are a few of my favorite things

This blog needs some tender love and affection in the form of a favorite things list:

1. white broccoli pizza and orange soda

2. the sentence Keeler made up for his spelling test, "I like the way I live."

3. inter library loans

4. feeling snoozy and snuggly on cloudy days

5. blooming tea

6. the kids' stinky and heavenly breath when they first wake up

7. having the greatest friend in the world and a million trillion jokes between us

8. working on the crossword puzzle with Ken and insulting each other the whole time

9. reading books out loud with RB

10. footage of Vince Papale leaping around in the end zone, on cloud nine. and "who's nuts" shirts

11. a Deaf contestant on the Amazing Race

12. banana walnut chocolate chip muffins

13. Keeler saying "chhhhh...chhhh....we're breaking up" while talking to Marth on the cell phone.

14. Eliott's serious face when he is trying to explain something

15. Eliott's tough and menacing face when we line up to play football

16. Gordon Wiebe's artwork

17. zen koans and great books about them

18. The Band's song "The Weight"

19. snowflakes that magically look like paper snowflakes

20. becoming friends with a really neat lady in town

25 things about yours truly

It took me such a long time to finally make this list and now I want the world to know: 1. I adore my library system. 2. I quit my first job by way of a harmonica solo. 3. 99% of my spoken sentences come out like gobble-dee-gook. 4. I call Keeler and Eliott “creepy kids” to their faces pretty much every day. 5. Mr. Rogers is my #1 role model. I absolutely love him and cannot watch his show without crying. Also, we have the same favorite number: 143. 6. I have been a vegetarian since birth. 7. Before I became a crazy Eagles fan and discovered Postsecret and This American Life, Sundays used to fill me with dread. 8. I have social anxiety, but I am really fascinated by people anyway. 9. In my early twenties, I lived at an ashram in Upstate New York for a month. 10. I believe in the goodness of mankind. A fortune cookie told me so. 11. I really enjoy my own company. 12. After college, I travelled the country for three glorious months with my very best friend in the whole world. It was dreamy. 13. If I had a lot more money, patience and confidence, I would unschool the boys. 14. I am fluent-ish in American Sign Language. 15. I have been keeping a journal of words and/or drawings since I was in middle school. 16. I am a descendant of Spanish royalty. 17. I often find it difficult to make decisions or progress in any direction because most of the time I feel like my brain belongs to two people with totally opposite opinions about everything. 18. I once stood up a date by hiding between my bed and the wall while he knocked and knocked and finally went away. 19. If I didn’t have kids, I would most likely become a Buddhist nun. 20. I am a totally disorganized mess and I feel pretty bad about it. 21. If I could re-do Keeler’s first 3 years, I would. Everything I thought I was doing right, I have since decided was screwed. 22. RB and I separated briefly and got back together in part because of a receipt he saw in his wastepaper basket at work that said, “R.B. LOVE BUGS”. 23. I feel like if I could just figure out the meaning of life I could finally relax. 24. I have a weird obsession with the buzzards in my town. They seem to follow me around, so I guess they like me, too. Or maybe they are just waiting for me to die so they can eat me. 25. I wish I were braver about making friends.

motivational difficulties

I am feeling a very strong pull to start making art of one kind or another; to add something to my journal or get the paints out or practice sketching. But, instead, I just stay up too late reading library books and going on Facebook and it's starting to make me feel kind of like a loser.

the vast blue sky

I've been feeling weirdly vulnerable lately, like the whole world is in chaos and I just want to hide out for a while. and I've been thinking a lot about this beautiful Buddhist quote (and now you can, too.) "In the middle of the hardness is a fear, in the middle of the fear is a sadness, in the middle of the sadness is the vast blue sky". If any friends out there are reading, leave me a love note, would you?

Achy-breaky Me

The past few weeks I have been what can only be described as "quadruple bum-bum". Every little task has felt like an insurmountable mountain of inconvenience covered in dog dooky. The bright side to this, I have learned, is that when the heaviness lifts, there often remains a vulnerable, tender feeling like my heart is cracked open and I am touched by the sweet and quirky moments in an ordinary day which I would normally overlook. This is precious gift.

With my normal defenses knocked down, I experience life in a bizarre and mushy way. An open and weepy sore, I feel so much love and sadness that my heart actually aches.

On Wednesday, Eliott's class made octopus masks. When the parents came to pick the kids up, there they were, sitting at their kid-sized tables with kid-sized grins on their faces, hiding behind blue googly-eyed octopus masks. I was completely delighted by this ridiculous scene. And the fact that this incredibly sweet kid with a cowlick and freckly nose was smiling there waiting for me to find him and bring him home tickled me so much that I even cried. I am so grateful for my big ol' achy-breaky heart and for my and ever-so-blessed and beautiful life.

Sunday Scribblings: A Winter's Tale

Wintertime always makes me think lovey dovey warm and tender thoughts about Eb. First of all, he is a ridiculous Christmas hound and gets hella enthusiastic about finding the perfect tree and the two of us go mad singing (terribly) all the verses of all the carols we can remember.

But, the main thing I think of is the apartment that we lived in before we bought our house. Our bedroom was way up on the third floor of this crazy tall old house on the corner and from there we had an incredible view of all the houses on all the streets around us. After the kids were asleep, we'd push our bed over to the window and look down at the houses all decorated with lights or, if it was snowing, we'd watch the sparkly snow romantically floating down. We would lay there gazing out for hours, hardly saying a word. Sometimes we would open the window so we could smell the cold sharp air and feel it on our faces. Everything was so still and quiet, it felt like we were the only ones in the world.

Sunday Scribblings: Style

RB and I are natural, semi-crunchy types. We are mostly concerned with feeling comfy, and can be found 99% of the time in t-shirts and jeans and shoes that feel good. I don't wear a full face of make-up or any make-up at all, actually because I hate the sticky feel of it. We don't go tanning or dye our hair. We are not likely candidates for plastic surgery. We look how we look and smell, pretty much how we smell. We would not be described as fancy pants hipsters, but we do what we likes.

Then, there's Keeler, our almost seven year old son. I remember when Keeler first got it into his head that he would like to wear a suit. He was 18 months old and we had started attending Unity Church where many of the men dressed up. Keeler was hooked. Not long after that he stood on his changing table while, to his extreme delight, I buttoned him into is first button-down shirt and he declared, "I look snoozy." (snazzy, that is.)

A few months later he began making speeches, standing on his bed, using the bedrail as his podium. His Presidential campaign was underway.

Now Keeler is the proud owner of one single-breasted and two double-breasted suits. He wears them to my mom's house for dinner on Friday nights, he wears them to the library, and for school pictures. When his brother needed an x-ray, he wore one to the hospital, this time with rain boots. Of course, he wears them on holidays and when someone comes to the house for the first time.

When he can't wear a suit for one reason or another, he still adheres to a strict fashion code. He shuns long-sleeved t-shirts or clothing with graphics saying, "I don't want to look cool; I want to look nice." and opts for a button-down shirt and corduroy pants.

He has recently acquired an adult briefcase, the kind with a combination lock which, after his suit collection, is his prized possession. He still has his eye on the presidency and talks endlessly about what laws he plans to pass when he gets there and whether or not so-and-so is going to vote for him. Just about every day I ask myself where this kid came from. He certainly has his own style and his own mind. I love him to itty bitty bits and am super proud that he does what he likes.

cheese doo doo man

The boys and I have been drawing a lot lately, mainly weird and really horrible, creepy creatures for our Halloween wall in the dining room (one of which turned out eerily like Joe Biden). Yesterday Eliott and I bought cheese doodles and polished them off this morning. We're turning into cheese doodles or, as Eliott says, cheese doo doos. While I was coloring this guy in, Eliott asked me if I liked Ernie and Neal and when I answered yes, he said, " Yes, because they are so rocking."

P.S. Happy Birthday, Sherry Berry Hardy Bardy Booski! You are a rocking cheese doo doo.

creepy kid

Eliott is the second child and the baby of our family and even though he is four years old now, I feel like the two of us have just gotten to really know each other over the past few months since I have been staying home. He is quite insane. I have never seen anyone make more ridiculous and edible faces in my whole life. Basically, I want to gobble his face every minute of the day. Also, he is a very tender little guy who likes to share (I don't know where he learned these behaviors). I even like it when he sees somebody driving by and calls the person a "stupid man" for no reason. I really like to go places with him on the train and to walk around town with the journal, dragging it or beating it against a sign post. I also like to get wemawem cookies with him. Here are a fewof the things I have learned about him in the past months:

1. He loves wemawems

2. He loves football. a lot. especially the Eagles and especially McNabb.

3. He is usually willing to cooperate with other people's ideas provided nobody watches him being cooperative.

4. He is playing football all the time, though you may not know it until he tackles into you really really hard.

5. Eliott is strong.

6. He is only willing to wear sports clothes (including an Eagles football costume which he has started wearing as regular clothes) and feels he must change clothes several times a day depending on what sport he is thinking about.

7. Sometimes he likes it if you sing "we call him little fellow" to the tune of "mellow yellow", but most of the time he'll hit you.

8. He is not a huge fan of water when there is a whole lot of it in one place as in the beach or a swimming pool.

9. He is good at drawing horrible monsters with cavities. 10. He puckers up in a special funny way when we say goodbye at school. 11. He is very nice to snuggle. 12. He is obsessed with the Beatles (Sgt. Pepper specifically) and sings "Rockin' Pepper's lone, hope you gonna join the show" over and over and over.

13. If he has an itchy hinky, chances are his hinky's stinky.

14. Stinky hinky and all, he is very easy to love.

a new beginning

Man, I forgot about my blog again. I probably shouldn't even be allowed to have a blog because I pay it so little attention. Well, anyway. I will be blogging here again starting now, so get ready. Speaking of new beginnings, check out the baby Buggy, wrinkly as a mofo. I love that my mom is in seventh heaven in this picture.

Here's how Eliott pronounces m&ms: wemawems, and I hope he never stops.

this is 8 months old, but what the heck

Hi Blogger. Are you going to automatically save a draft of this for me? Well, well, well. So, I haven't done any blogging here in some time and so much has happened in between. I will now write a list of some of the things that happened: 1. I started learning how to actually type after my co-worker, Sharon, told me about these fun typing games. Typing is cool. 2. I saw the greatest movie of all time - The Science of Sleep (so far, I've watched it five times, with more to come!) 3. After seeing the greatest movie of all time (refer to #2) I started wanting to parle Francais. So I started learning it and guess what. It's not that easy, but it is cute and beautiful. However, I think I'll just have to be satisfied with annoying Besty by answering the phone like "allo allo?....salut!...ca va?".

the sun rose and with it a tiny, secret Santa Claus

Last week it was really cold and rainy which normally I like as it gives me the perfect excuse to lounge and be snuggly. I didn't get a snuggly feeling last week though- what I got was depressed.

Everything started looking really bleak and then we got ants in the bathroom, which I took personally. Then we got ants in the kitchen which, again, I took personally and worried that they could be the ants that were formally hanging out in the bathroom, now bringing poopy and pee-pee germs into the kitchen.

I just couldn't seem to shake all the crappy crap that was running through my head about how unlikeable I am and what an inferior mom I am turning out to be. Feeling down, I was also extra grumpy and wasn't taking it easy on the boys by any stretch of the imagination or really moving at all or eating anything that wasn't sugary...or popcorn. Surprisingly, none of that seemed to help.

The final straw happened yesterday when Keeler was semi-excluded from a playdate. He really didn't seem that busted up about it; I, on the other hand, broke down and wept...but, finally there was a silver lining that came shining around the cloud that was my shitful mood: I can always commit suicide if things don't start looking up. and that realization was totally radical. Really, I have the choice to be here or not.

Today was a much cheerier day. The clouds were totally puffy and there was a big ol' shiny moon. I mustered up the nerve to call a neighbor that I really like; she came over and we had a good time hanging out, laughing at the ridiculousness of everything while our kids did their kid things. I am reading every book that Anne Lamott ever wrote all at once and, of course, who can be sad in the face of that? AND I am going to see the Eagles play on Thursday, so I think I'd better stick around.

more fun with images

This is Keeler's first comic book page. I absolutely adore it. In real life, it is much clearer and the colors are more vibrant, but you can probably see it well enough here to make out that the top two frames and the bottom right are people who are playing outside, in the grass, under the clouds. They are: Keeler himself, then me, and then RB. The other little guy in the bottom left is meant to be a teeny little Eliott who is by himself in the library.

There can't possibly be anything better than kid art.

reasons this day was awesome

1. huge turtle showing up in the neighbors yard (This is a picture of Stephen with him)

2. figuring out how to add pictures to this here blog

3. my mom's most awesome salsa and lime chips

4. Keeler and all his schoolmates singing "this little light of mine" at their preschool graduation

5. figuring out how to hook up the VCR. I rock.

6. having a nap

7. watching Mr.Rogers

8. hanging out with Krip

9. Discovering that both Krip and Jesse hate the expression "it is what it is"

10. Eliott and Keeler taking turns with baseball

11. new library books

12. my dad and Karen singing a ridiculous "good luck on your first day" song to me on the phone

13. being with Nana

14. knowing that RB will be home any minute

painting

I just made art. I think I will call it "saving her own life" because that's what it's a painting of. and I think it's really cool. Hooray!

untitled #1

My shoes are bright pink and the other day, when I was on a hike, a butterfly who was black and yellow and blue mistook (and landed briefly on) my shoes for flowers. It was cool. The next day was Sunday and in the evening there was a very round and perfect and clear rainbow right next to the house for about 15 minutes. That was cool, too. The boys were running around splashing in the puddles in their bare feet. Eliott is really funny when he puts his thumbs against his forehead and waggles his fingers saying "naneenaneebooboo". I think it's mostly funny because, as usual, he has no idea what he's talking about. also, Krip believes I have magic rainbow abilities. Keeler has been thinking a lot lately about the idea of numbers being infinite. He is extremely unsatisfied with it. Last night when RB and I were tucking him in he got started talking about it again which involved a lot of hand movement on his part and the notion that if we don't decide on an ending number it will cause a lot of confusion. He thought the following would be suitable final numbers: two hundred thousand, eighty-six, and twenty-nine. I think maybe he's right, afterall. Hey, Marth- I know you like the soulful lady-type singers. and today I was listening to Gillian Welch and wondering if you were a fan. Well, are you? I love her even if she is a little heavy on the fundamentalist Christian stuff from time to time. Also, are you qualified to be a singing coach? Besty, tell Marth to checky. Oh yeah, last night on Kids Corner there was an interview with Weird Al and then Kathy O'Connell played her favorite Weird Al song- "Bob". It is sung like Bob Dylan and I am not sure, but I think all the lyrics may be palindromes. which is so cool. I like all these components- Weird Al, Bob Dylan, Kathy O'Connell (I found out last night that she used to play the accordion. Keeler wants to play the accordion, too), accordion playing, and palindromes. I really also like the Weird Al song "Yoda" which is a parody of "Lola". and then today when I was working on the crossword, one of the clues was "Palindrome name" which, of course, was Adam. So, my point is- totally cosmic, man, right? One more thing- Eliott and I have started a bad habit together which is that after we take Keeler to school and are walking back home, Eliott will look up at me and smile and say "chockit cookie". The simple phrase "chockit cookie" is sort of deceiving because what he actually means is "well, I'm pretty cute and I don't see any reason whatsoever why the two of us shouldn't just drive right over to the Starbucks and have a treat...a chocolate chip cookie, for instance. and also, since we'd already be there, why don't you go ahead and get yourself something you really like, say...an iced mocha, maybe." He's just so damn persuasive. enough with the blogging, already.