More stuff I like.

1. Playing ridiculous games with the kids. 2. Are you being fasheeshish? ARE YOU BEING FASHEESHISH?! (Probably not.) 3. "I'm Yours" by Mr. A-Z who IS awfully little and cute, after all. 4. Huge collection of journals. 5. Loads of healthy vegan meals lately and absurdly good juicing. 6. Having an awesomely fun boss. 7. Friends that are like family and family that are like friends. 8. Not being too embarrassed to make a gigantic stink in a store. 9. Hugs. 10. Not turning things that are not a big deal into a big deal.

Things I like lately

1.Having a killer time last weekend with my ladies.

2. This quote from Frank Warren (the guy who started PostSecret) "Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart. If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world."

3. Keeler enjoying and being totally great at karate.

4. Talking with a mom in town about the goodness of mankind and feeling super connected to her.

5. Fel's adorable reaction to finding out he was having a playdate with one of his best buddies: goofy grins and knee-slapping all around.

6. Best cheesecake ever from the local farm market.

7. Being introduced to the band Jets Overhead.

8. Getting paid to ROLLERSKATE tomorrow.

9. Clean sheets on the bed.

10. Krip still impressing me and making me laugh with her vocabulary skills after all these years.

wicked awesomeness

1. Talking to Helen in the rat voice

2. Making friends

3. Upcoming dance party

4. Nick Swardson's farting ghost and cat diarrhea jokes

5. "you can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart"

6. Seeing Loretta tomorrow after not seeing her in a long long long time

7. Daniel Pinkwater

8. Working with Rudy when he is in a happy moody

9. Talking in Boston accents all day at work. Everyone was a wicked pissah

10. Having a shitload (or dick hole) of love in my life

mo'

1. Fooling around with my new camera and taking a picture of myself in which I am a) scowling and b) my dad 2. Patchouli 3. A day off in the middle of the week 4. Splitting a yummy breakfast and good conversations with Cadi 5. Having permission granted by a New Englandah to use the word "wicked" 6. Talking on the phone with Krip and laughing and realizing, again, that we aren't just laughing at the current hilarity, but all the years of hilarity all added up and feeling wicked lucky 7. Keeler loving Karate and being awesome at it 8. Being invited to do surprising and random activities with surprising and random people (shout out, Pesce) 9. Marth's hand-me-downs which thrill me to death 10. A new word that describes today's rainy weather: dragamuffin

I took this picture because I love Krip

And lubbers gonna lub. Woot. This day was rad and here are some reasons why: 1. I bought a camera. (and it was on sale! double woot.) 2. I was mad productive this morning. 3. Eliott got a ridiculous and cute little blue elephant from the vending machine and named it Squinky. Which is perfect because only one eye is colored in. 4. The kids got into a huge Squinky-related wrestling match on the floor of ShopRite and I just laughed and laughed. 5. Coconut rice with peanuts, golden raisins and cilantro. Fuck yeah, yo. 6. Salsa all ready to go to Kelley's little ol' shindig tomorrow. In the fridge, flavors marrying. 7. Clean sheets with the top at the bottom and the bottom at the top because I can do what I likes. 8. Awesome realization: I don't have anyone to argue with. Word to your mutha.

list of groovy goodness

1. apple and peanut butter

2. discovering half a bar of "honey I washed the kids", best smelling soap on the planet. (thank you very much, Krip.)

3. Fel turning 7 and loving every minute of his day.

4. kids dancing and twirling glow sticks behind the stage at every concert this summer

5. recognizing expectations and letting them go

6. ridiculous amount of cupcakes

7. house full of boys dancing and singing "dynamite"

8. Eagles

9. Fel wearing the tattoo sleeve on his leg and thinking that grown-ups are "falling for it"

10. Wrestling around with two adorable children, joking with Keeler about Fel's police undies and police lips, pretending to be ghosts that say "boooo....bies"

Real Llife

Today I cried for several consecutive hours. I cried all the way up route 130 and kept it up in the store once I arrived. I cried walking around town in the dark. I cried while I ate jolly ranchers and watched crickets. I cried and cried and cried my eyes out. But, I did not smoke.

I think smoking was a more effective procrastination tool than I realized. It allowed me to avoid more than just my "to-do list". I was also avoiding looking at the unpleasant truth of things. I would just go sit outside and smoke. Now that I am giving it up, there is nowhere to hide. Everything is bubbling up, rising to the surface. And I am afraid, but I also love it.

I am finally, after many months and many moons, accepting that the relationship is over and truly a done deal. I have been telling myself all sorts of stories, all manner of denials. "Maybe he misses me, too. Maybe he feels the same way I do. Maybe one day he will realize what he's missing and change his heart, his mind." Because of these stories, I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to delete the emails, all the texts from the beginning when things were glorious. "Eventually," I told myself, "when we get back together I'll want to have those things to remember." I am finally accepting that this will never happen. I am accepting that there is nothing to hold on to; the past is the past no matter what stories I tell myself about it.

So now I am facing it, allowing the grief to wash over me. It feels like hell.

It also feels pure and real. And uncomplicated (at least when I stick with it.) But, I notice that I want to be angry. I want to demonize him and cast myself as the victim. I catch myself constructing these elaborate stories about how he wronged me. There is nothing happening, all just stories I am telling myself.

And there is another story. This is the one where I sweep my real feelings under the rug so we can be friends. Believing in any story I tell myself won't work.

What I want is the easy way out, to pin a label on it, an answer, something concrete so I can wrap the whole thing up: all figured out. The truth is that there is no absolute truth. And tonight I recognized that I don't have a choice. If I want to live honestly, I need to stay in the moment where it is uncomfortable and messy. I need to steep in it and let it all seep in. It can be a scary place to hang out, but it is real life.

It's time to start telling myself a new story. Maybe it will be a list of possibilities or a love letter to myself. Maybe I will make my life a poem that begins with "love attracts love". Or maybe, I will stop believing in my stories and just allow the the beauty of the world to rise up and meet me.

Don't call it a comeback

Six word project back on until I come up with something else I want to do on here. And also in the interest of forcing Cait to write something on her blog.

Canoe on the lake, Heron watching.

or

My own psychology confounds me. Bummer.

and because I am still without a camera after having my last two broken by careless chilluns, I am posting a photo taken by Amy because afterall, I like photos.